gueniveire

This Yule has been difficult for me. I've had to go rest my head a thouand times, and couldn't even participate much in the cooking or dancing around the Yuletree. I almost fainted after we'd sung the last hymn, I was so tired. And my hip and knee has been hurting like shite (tell me who should've been an Irishman, ya crazy sheep!), and that old thing with my wrist has begun aching again. I desperately need some good health. But let's be fair, I've heard no voices and seen nothing weird throughout the entire holiday. And I've taken good care of my diabetes, so I think it adds up. But anywho. I got some nice presents, and gave some nice ones away, too. My ma was really pleased about those earrings, and my grandma adored the paintings I did for her.

I haven't missed Jakob, though. Just been angry with him for not contacting me. I discussed it with Andy last night, and he's - as always - certain that the best thing is to break up with him. And maybe I should. But I'm a sucker at being alone, I start doing stupid things like cutting. So I guess I'll have to wait until someone I like comes by. I like Janek in the right way, but I don't think he'd want me af his girlfirend, even if I asked him. So the search must go on. I'm not gonna leave Jakob unless he does something that really upsets me, or I fall in love with someone new. That's where I stand. I am gonna leave Jakob eventually, it's just a matter of time and timing. I couldn't do it just before Yule, but maybe I can when the new year starts. The problem is, he's been there for me at times, when everything about the hospital made me sad. He's been there almost every day for the past three ½ months, so I feel like I owe him something. Of course that's sheepshit, but that's an issue I've got. I just don't want any of us to be fooled.

Aunt Stinne and cousin Emma is here for a few days. It's nice to have Stinne here, but I'm angry with Emma, possibly because she's a wannabe and has stolen Bram from me. I like to think that Bram fell for the original, but realised I was as good as impossible to get, and then settled with a copy. I am the Mona Lisa. But I didn't want to be impossible to get, cause I liked Bram. I wouldn't say I loved him, but he made me believe I did. And he said he loved me. But he knew that we live too far away - Denmark and Holland isn't exactly neighbours.

But Yule has been nice, I felt a little blessed when we lit a thousand candles at my grandma's place and sang hymnes. There was no snow this year, but it didn't really matter much. The family was gathered, and there was a smile on peoples faces.

Enjoy the remainings of this Yule, everyone! And remember, war is over if we want it.

7:11 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Last Thursday, I was at a great friend's funeral. Mark. I miss him so much. We used to be best friends when we were younger, we spent all our time together. Then, we grew up and realised it was more fitting if I played with girls and he played with boys. Otherwise, people might believe he was my boyfriend, which he certainly wasn't. We then grew up to be just good friends. And then, just two months ago, he got leuchemia. He suffered a great deal, and then, suddenly, he just died. Just like that. I can't believe it.

And now, things are going wrong with Jakob, my treasure. He prefers World of Warcraft over me. That's wrong, and I know it. But somehow, I don't think I can manage breaking up with him. Don't know why. I guess I still love him, for one reason or another. But we're getting sick of each other, at least I'm getting sick of him. He always "forgets" that he was supposed to come see me, and then wanders off with his friends to get drunk or sit by some computer. Cursed be it all! I don't want to just sit and watch it happen anymore.

Even at the mental hospital, things are going wrong. Fifi is jealous because I spend so much time with Janek (or rather, he spends so much time with me), she's pissed at me. And the staff don't think I'm ready to be let out yet. They promise and promise and promise, "next Firday, we'll let you out", but then by Wednesday, they say "No, we didn't mean that". ARGH!

A lot has happened since the last update. Jonas has ben transferred to F6, and we've got a new, very nice, goth guy named Janeck. He's very nice to me, and seems to actually be clever enough to respond to his treatment. He switched places with Jonas, and he's been in and out of F6 for almost a year, as far as I know. It comforts me a lot that people who seem normal can stay here for so long. Obviously, Janeck don't want to talk about the reason why he's here. I understand completely. If it really has kept him here for a year, it must be damn tough for him to cope with. I like him a lot. A couple of days ago, he was really sad, so I asked him what was wrong. He told me that his girlfriend had dumped him just that same morning (via a text message!!). I gave him a hug, and he smiled again. We both agreed that he's gonna win her back.

Also, Katja has gone into daycare, so we could get new kid Frederik in. He seems to be plain stupid, seriously. I'm not gonna describe everything he does here, but trust me, he's not hte brightest star in the sky. And he fancies me *headdesk* For the time being, Viggo distracts him, but Viggo's being transferred to the adult ward on wednesday, since he turns 18 on tuesday. I'm gonna miss Viggo. He's a real nice bloke. A good fella. But the world moves on.

Indeed, it does. Jakob is now an official highschool-dropout. It was a decision he made without consulting his parents, who freaked and decided to blame it on me. After all, I'm the one who's not going to school at all, I must have put the idea into his head. Sure. Well, maybe I did inspire him, but damn, he's almost a grown man, he can make decisions on his own! But you just try and tell his parents that. I wish I could be there more for him, I really do. He's always there for me, visits me every day, and calls me several times a day, and I can't be there the same way for him. If I need a shoulder to cry on, I know he's gonna come. But I can't leave the ward just like that, if he needs me. I'm very sad about that.

And now for somehting completely different! I have herpes in my left eye! In me feckin' eye, man! I have a herpes wound on my left eyeball, can you believe it!? I find it extremely funny and somewhat tragic at the same time. Herpes, "travels" with the nerves and creates wounds where the nerves ends. For most people, that means the mouth. But every once in a while, it settles in the eyeball. And of course, that happens to me.

I am still somewhat hollow inside, but it's slowly filling up. The numbness is turning into despair and grief. It's hard for me to even imagine getting out of here. It all seems so hopeless. I am high on medicine, and I don't hear voices anymore, but what's the use of it all if I'm never getting out? They say I will do best if I calculate spending three months in here. From where I'm at, three months seem like the rest of my life. I get nervous when I leave the ward. I am scared to go home during the weekends. The situation is hopeless. I'm bored as hell in here, but I can't imagine getting out. I actually feel like this is my new home. But at the same time, I desperately want to go back to my real life. As it is, I appear to have predicted this. I once wrote a poem-song-thing, that said :

I wanna go home now
and collect whatever's left
of my life before I cried
so hard I lost myself inside

...And then there's hope, what about it?
It can be somewhat hard to see
When there's tears upon your cheek
But there are places you can hide
That can't be seen from outside
When the fog comes tumbling back...

Today is my whole third day away from the remainings of my normal life, and I don't know what to do with myself. I've finally started talking to some of the opther kids here, and I find a couple of them ok. On full-time, there's Katja, Julie, Karina, Thyra, Viggo, Matthias and me. In dat-care we have Thor and whatshername. Thor is heavy-goth like, and whatshername is a first class pop chick. I can hardly stand her, but maybe she has hidden depts. Julie and Thyra are cool for the circumstances, both their own way of punk. Karina and Matthias are kinda of the heavy-folk, and does by appearance remind me of Bram. I've come to like Thyra and Julie, and in a way also Matthias, while I have a hard time coping with Thor. He is extremely anoying, but also very honest when it comes to why he's here. Everyone's honest here. We're all the same in some way.

I've gopt my room made up ok. I have a desk with a chair, a couch/bed, a table, a chair and two bookcases, not to forget the closet and my own bathroom. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, although I still don't want to be here. They've made ahuge screw-up concerning my medicin. I usually take 1,5 ml + 2,0 ml Zeldox a day, but in my journal, it still says that I am only to take 2 x 0,75 ml a day. So they can't give me more. My body and mind are strongly reacting to this with loud voices and minor cramps. They give me sleeping pills at night, and it worked in the beginning (that being the first night), but last night, it didn't work at all. So I slept four and a half hours last night. Not enough. I am so fortunate as to be allowed to stay in my room before noon, so I try to sleep a couple of hours then, even though it's hard when your head is full of screams and your body is shaking.

Last night, ma, da and Treasure Jakob came to visit me, that was nice. And extremely tough watching Jakob leave. But what is it they say - if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. Yea right. Last night, it felt like I was dying. It's killing me slowly to be away from my life, killing me not to be able top chat to my friends who are far away. I miss Bram, Ras and Sara, but furthermore, I miss Jo, Flue and Tsu like hell. I even miss Klaves and Klaves! I miss spending my time with more than just waiting for time to pass and reading. Damn, I want to go shopping for cd's or clothes und zu. I want my life back.

I thought it was about time I put it into words what happen to me every single morning, when I am to go to school. So, here it is, in big terms.

I wake up by the alarm clock and hate myself for not being able to sleep until 0330 am. Then, I get up, take my syrings and get dressed. Then I eat my breakfast and go to brush my teeth. My tummy starts aching. I pack my schoolbag and put on my boots. Then, it suddenly feels like the entire world is trying to kill me, and the voices in my head goes berserk, yelling and screaming, that it's not good enough, I'm not good enough, that I should do my homework twice, that I should be the best, and that I might as well jump from the roof of the school and finish my miserable life. At this point, I start shaking and feel sick. Within a minute or two, I've got my head down the toilet, vomitting like mad, while shaking beyond any control and cry as whipped. The only thing that goes through my mind is "It's not good enough, you're not good enough", and I can't hear anything else. Once I've screamed and cried for ten to fifreen minutes, my ma tells me to go back to bed. And even though my head and my brain is yelling and screaming, that I have to go to school, my body stops functioning, and I faint.

Reason enough why it's ok I dont' go to school at the moment? I think so. But as darling fluee says, I'm getting very far behind. That worries me a lot.